


Darkness Calling

by Watching Over You (Vampyvet)



Category: The Magicians (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, F/M, M/M, Mental Instability, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-09
Updated: 2019-12-09
Packaged: 2021-02-26 23:02:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21727066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vampyvet/pseuds/Watching%20Over%20You
Summary: With The Beast firmly in ownership of Eliot's body, and Quentin fighting every moment to save him, the dark thoughts swirl around inside him. He has a plan to save El, he will save El even if he has to die to do it. Nothing will stop him, and he will use anyone he needs to, if it means El will be ok. What happens after that doesn't matter... or does it?Maybe El will have a different vision of the future.
Relationships: Quentin Coldwater/Alice Quinn, Quentin Coldwater/Eliot Waugh
Comments: 2
Kudos: 24





	Darkness Calling

**Author's Note:**

> The majority of this is all about inside of Q and the darkness he fights. The only person who can ever truly help him is the one he needs to save. It is hard and painful and he feels hopeless, he sees no future with himself in it. 
> 
> Please note, for those of us that understand that terrible place inside of us, there is hope... even for Quentin Coldwater! El always finds him... he just has to fix everything first! 
> 
> No - I did not get a beta, so ... let me know if you catch something :)

Q knew it was impossible. He couldn’t keep fighting, couldn’t struggle to keep the swirling pain at bay. The Monster was always there. Touching him, watching him, talking to him. He didn’t even think it realized how different it was with Quentin. How intimate. Maybe it was emotions bleeding through from Eliot. It is nothing but pain to have El’s beautiful body there, so close, but so absolutely not be El.

How could he keep trying? Sure their “friends” said they missed Eliot. Said they would do anything but really, what were they doing? They noticed nothing and Q is cold and hollow and so alone.

For fifty years El kept him together. Talked him through the dark days; stroked his hair; held him; loved him; always brought him back. No meds, just El. He could brush away the hostility that Q would bristle with. Ignore his sharp edges and the vitriol his tongue could spout. When the world took him deep down inside his sadness, El could find him. El always found him and he was trying. He was trying so hard.

He didn’t sleep, or eat, The Monster never gave him the time. Just threatened Eliot’s body again and again to get Quentin to be whatever he wanted him to be in that moment. Moments that broke his heart more each day.

Then they were doing the spell, and suddenly The Monster was gone and El – his beautiful El was there. What did he say? “ _Peaches and Plums Mother Fucker._ ” Or did he dream it? Has he truly gone mad this time? Does it even matter?

Even if he wins. Even if he finds a way to save El, he doesn’t belong to Q. Not the way Q wants him to. He didn’t choose him, not when it mattered. He didn’t want him.

It hurts so much. He loves El so much but El still doesn’t belong to him. He has to let go.

He will still fight to save El. He will always fight to save El.

But then he has to give him away. It hurts so much. He needs just a moment of human tenderness to dull the edge of the pain so that he can do what he needs to do. Anything to anchor him long enough to save him. He knows he doesn’t have much time. He is willing to die to bring him back. But just for now, to help him stay – he will let her in. Human touch has power, sex has power.

They all look at him like he is crazy. Ha! The joke’s on them – he always was. But this time, this strange wrongness of sleeping with Alice, of acting in love and giddy – this - this power is everything if it keeps him alive long enough to save the love of his life. If El can live, he can finally rest. For without a “them” in the future to hold onto as his life line, well, he can only give himself.

And he will do it gladly.

He hopes that after he is gone that El will understand. That he will know why. That he won’t blame himself. That he will know it was a gift of pure love. As for Alice, she is a means to an end. His end game will always be El.

 _“Please”_ he begs The Powers That Be, _“Please just a little longer, I am not done yet.”_

  


  


He wants to be there so badly, wants to see El come back. To hear his voice speaking lyrically again, not in the stilted, halting patterns of The Monster. To be able to pull him in and hold him close but he knows he can’t.

His truth will bleed through. His desperation will undo him and he will be transparent. He can’t let El see – can’t let any of them see. No one can witness the depth of his love and need.

It is the only gift he can give to Alice, and in light of how he has been using her he feels she is due this continued lie.

El - El can’t know, he can’t see. He has agreed to the plan, seemingly resistant but he knows it is for the best. Margo will do what needs to be done at the end of the day. She has been so caught up in the whole “my boyfriend is a fish” drama – but this is her El and she is his Bambi – she will move mountains when it counts. Faith. He has to believe. So, he waits, he holds on and he dies a little with each breath, each lie, each kiss from Alice.

Time is close.

He can do this, for El.

The Monster watches him closely. It bathes him in blood, starves him, strokes him, except when he is with Alice. It is a tradeoff. But these last days, he finds he needs time with The Monster, to see his beloved El. Even if he will never really be with him again, he fools himself in miniscule moments. Then forces himself to fall back into the darkness spinning, devouring him from the inside out.

  


Then suddenly it is the day. They can’t wait any longer. They have everything they need and it is time. They will save El, vanquish The Monster, fix everything. Today, now, his clock is ticking down.  
He has no reservations It is the reason he is still alive.

  
El

El

El

  


So, they dive in like they always do. They fight, they push and scream and everything is a blur.  
He loses time, loses himself. Confusion, adrenaline, power, fear; so many emotions.

Too much for him to process, then the door is so far away and the mirror is all he can see – he can fix this.

Someone said Eliot was saved, so he can go – he can stop the fight and stay to watch it be done. He can hear Alice but her voice is just noise, it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters.

He saved El – he can go.

Then, like a tea cup shattering, like a bell being struck the reverberations building till, on a single sound – all noise ceases – silence. Time is moving, he sees the progress in the mirror but stillness settles.

Sound has just fizzled out. But then… a soft sound. He can’t have actually heard what he actually thinks he heard. He is weak. His mind twisted. A delusion, he tells himself.

A touch, fingers long, strong, familiar, curl around his wrist and turn him away from the inevitable.

His breath catches. It can’t be. It is. He is lost in too many conflicting emotions.

El, his El, not The Monster. El is there and his eyes show a terror that could not be faked. They delve into the depths of Q’s soul and he can’t make a sound. Tears stream down El’s face. His other hand comes up and grabs suddenly around the nape of his neck, fingers in his hair and gasps a sudden breath like it’s the first he has taken in an eternity. The only sound to follow are the desperately whispered words _“Q, please don’t leave me.”_

Q can’t fathom it. Why? He doesn’t want him. But as he stares at El he sees. Times actually seems to grind to a halt. The progress in the mirror stalls. Alice freezes mid-step. Silence, Dust hangs in the air. Q really looks. El is right there. He is looking at him like he did for fifty years. Q sees love, pain, fear, desire. He thinks, no he knows in that moment, that he finally understands.

Eliot always said he wasn’t brave like Q. Would hide when things got too real. When Q asked him to try, here in this world, he should have seen the fear, but he is so ashamed that in his pain he missed it. El is his. He suddenly and irrevocably knows to the depths of his soul – HE IS HIS. He laughs – now? When time is against them?

Q has always been able to find a way to save El, just like El can always find Q and bring him back from the darkness that over runs him and breaks his brain. Now they both need to do the impossible. No words are spoken, no declarations of love, no pledge to the future. They grasp hands and turn to the mirror. 

Q does what he does – he mends. He mends his heart. El finds Q and strengthens him with his touch and his magic reaches out and wraps around Q. Time starts to move again, but ever so slowly. It is just the two of them, as it should be. As they face the mirror, their magic melding, mending, loving, it ends.

The mirror is suddenly no longer the issue. The energy in the air feels like static and everything just seems to snap into place. Getting away from it before something catastrophic happens is the priority. They are done. Without needing to speak, they drop hands, spin and without even looking, clasp the opposite hands like a beautifully choreographed dance and then they are running. The door seems so far away, but together, as two parts of the whole, they fly through it and tumble to safety. Gasping for air in a tangle of limbs with Q draped over El, they frantically check themselves and each other.

Still neither of them speaks. Both of them shake, fingers quivering as they slide them over each other. Their touches slow from frantic with fear, settling, starting to linger.

Q bravely looks into El’s eyes and El does not look away. Q knows how hard this is for him. He is so vulnerable. He sees love. El lets him see everything. He suddenly realizes how intimately they are entangled and the corner of his lip starts to twitch. El’s eyes glint with mischief. He feels delight flitter through him like a butterfly. Like one of those magical blue butterflies he has heard Merlin would conjure when ever truly happy and it feels perfect.

 _“El…”_ is all he can manage. So much in that one single word.

El’s hands come up to slide around his cheeks, his fingers sliding into his hair, touching him the way he always loved so much. Q looks at him quizzically.

 _“Q, for fucks sake, kiss me!”_ Eliot at his most eloquent. Q feels giddy, a giggle trying to escape, but he does exactly as he is told – he cannot resist Eliot using his Kingly voice.

And, oh Merlin, the first brush of their lips feels like heaven. Soft sensual kisses take away all of Q’s walls and fears. El – his El – his husband, because that is who he is, who he was, who he will always be. His beloved El is his again. Q feels so alive. So brilliantly vital and alive.

Today is not the day he expected it to be. It is not his end. Today is rebirth. Today is joy.  
Today El is HIS again, to treasure, to love, to hold to kiss, to make love to.

He saved El, and El of course saved Q.

  


What could possibly be better than that?

  


  



End file.
